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| I'm an idealist, I discovered. See, I like the idea of working my ass off and restricting everything in order to be thin, but I lack the motivation. The ideas I come up with before I go to bed are brilliant, yes. Though they would be even more brilliant if I actually got off my fat ass and did them. Do you guys know what I mean?
You wake up in the morning with the intention of fasting. You succeed for as long as you can until you walk past that bowl of fruit. 'Okay', you think, 'one apple won't kill me. It's healthy, right?'. Little do you know one little, harmless apple leads to more food. Bad food. Food you told yourself that morning you wouldn't eat. You reach for the chocolate. 'Just one bite won't hurt my weight. Besides, I've been fasting all day'. One bite. Two bites. The whole block. You feel sick. You go look at thinspo on the net, maybe that will help you get motivated? You feel fatter than you did before. 'Why can't I be that skinny? Why do their arms look so little? Why do they get to have lovely, flat, SMALL stomachs? Why not me?'. Then you tell yourself that you're a fat ass. How could you boyfriend love someone with fat hanging off their stomach? With massive boobs? With thighs that jiggle? Or for those who don't have boyfriends, how can anybody love you?
You hate that you hate yourself, but at the same time you love it. It's a never ending game. That, on top of the eating disorder you already have, controls your life. It is everything to you. It's everything to be nothing; to be little. Because that is all you want. And until you get what you want, this game will go on forever. For as long as it needs to go on. Until you're thin. Until you're pretty. No one's opinion matters until you think good of yourself. No one can stop you, and no one will bring you down. Because how can you be brought down any further than the ground? That's where you are, right?
In truth, I may feel like I'm not worth a dime sometimes, but I know I really am better than that. I am fantastic, and I tell myself each morning. I tell everyone I know that I love myself. Because I do. Yet somewhere, deep inside, there's my split personality. (I like to call her Blair, as in Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl, because she is scheming, bitchy, classy and has the desperation to be thin.) She thinks I'm fat and ugly. When she comes out I feel like I'm shitty and worthless, even though I know better. She takes control. And in some way I think that's the same for everyone. Everyone has this other person inside of them. Everybody, at some point, thinks they are amazing, or this feature is pretty, or actually smiles when a compliment is given. Again though, everybody has that other person in them, some are strong, some are weak. The weaker or stronger this other person is determines our ability to love ourselves; to be happy.
I don't really know the point of this blog was, I guess I just wanted to give you the bigger picture. People will probably read this, or not, and be like 'Duh!'. I don't care. This is my input, my blog, my version of struggles. Pick and prod 'till your heart's content.
Thinspo in next post. | | |
| Sorry I haven't updated, I'm so shit. To give you the rundown, I've been eating more than I want to. Way more. I'm too scared to weigh myself. The bf and me have started going for walks a few times a week to the shops to hire movies. So that's like an hour or so walk. Which is good. I might start running again when the weather picks up.
I applied for my University course the other day, I'm so excited. I hope that I get in :)
I don't have much for you today, guys, so I'm just going to post a quiz you can take and do as well.
Take care.
TEN EMOTIONS.
1. Are you missing someone right now?: My friends, I guess.
2. Are you happy?: I am for the most part; my skin is bad atm and i'm eatting shit so thats a downer.
3. Are you talking to anyone right now?: I was talking to the bf, but I'm waiting for Ellen :)
4. Are you bored?: Not really.
5. Are you German: Nope.
6. Are you Irish: Yes, and Scottish.
7. Are you French: I wish.
8. Are you Italian: Nope.
9. Are your parents still married: They are.
10. Do you like someone right now?: Yessir, my boyfriend.
TEN FAVORITES.
1. Store: Chanel.
2. Flower: Frangipanis or tulips.
3. Color: Blue.
4. Fav sport: Dancing or running.
5. Mall: I don't have a favourite.
6. Music: Alternative, Rock, Pop, Punk, R&B, Hip Hop.
7. Food: Fruit salad.
9. Animal: Penguin.
10. State: One I yet haven't been to.
TEN FACTS.
1. Hometown: Rowville, Victoria.
2. Hair color: Brown.
3. Age: Eighteen in two weeks.
4. Hair style: Curly, medium-length.
5. Eye color: Blue, sometimes grey, yellow and green.
6. Closest friends: Three or four close friends.
7. Mood: Chill.
8. Skin color: Caucasian, slightly pale (need to tan!).
9. Available: No.
10. Lefty/righty: Righty.
TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE.
1. Have you ever been in love?: Yes, I am currently.
2. Do you believe in love: Of course!
3. Why did your last relationship fail: The guy had an ego bigger than the ocean.
4. Have you ever been heartbroken: At the time I thought I was, but looking back, no.
5. Have you ever broken someone’s heart?: Yes.
6. Have you ever fallen for one of your best friends: No.
7. Have you ever liked someone but never told them: No.
8. Are you afraid of commitment: I was.
9. Has someone ever kissed your hand: Yes.
10. Have you ever had a secret admirer: Once.
TEN THINGS: THIS OR THAT.
1. Love or trust: You cant have love without trust, so both.
2. Hard liquor or beer: Beer, but in saying that, I don't really drink anymore.
3. Night or day: Night.
4. One night stands or relationships: Relationships.
5. Television or internet: Neither or both, I don't care really.
6. Pepsi or coke?: Diet coke.
7. Wild night out or romantic night in: Romantic night in, I've had enough wild night's out, thanks.
9. Phone or in person: In Person.
10. Msn or aim: Msn.
TEN HAVE Y0U EVER.
1. Have you ever been caught sneaking out?: Nope.
2. Have you ever skinny dipped: Yes.
3. Have you ever done something you regret?: Regrets are for the weak.
4. Have you ever kissed somebody on your friends list? No.
6. Have you ever finished an entire jaw breaker: No.
7. Have you ever wanted someone so badly it hurt?: Yes.
8. Have you ever been in a fist fight?: With my ex, I won :)
9. Have you ever danced in the rain?: Yes.
10. Have you ever had a hang over?: Yes, ugh.
| | |
| → The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
→ Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
→ Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die tomorrow.
→ Our eyes are placed in front because it's more important to look ahead than to look back.
→ Believe deep down in your heart that you're destined to do great things.
→ Take your time, don't live too fast. Troubles come and they will pass.
→ You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
→ If it can be dreamt then it can be done.
→ Repeat after me: All good things are coming to me today.
→ Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.
→ Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.
→ Smiles are great investments: the more you collect, the better you feel.
→ Don't waste a minute not being happy. If one window closes, run to the next window or break down a door.
→ Love lights more fires than hate extinguishes. - Ella Wheeler Wileox -
→ What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.
→ Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.
→ Laugh as much as you breathe, and love as long as you live.
→ Embrace those who love you and whom you love, and rid yourself of those who will only bring you down.
→ To get somewhere you have never been you have to do something you have never done.
→ We dance around the ring and suppose, but the secret sits in the middle and knows. - Robert Frost -
→ Every 'no' is a 'yes' waiting for tomorrow. | | |
| This post is dedicated to hey-outxthere, because she is awesome and she deserves to be told that. → Remember: It may be stormy now, but it can't rain forever. → Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it within us or we will find it not. - Ralph Waldo Emerson - → I know people think i’m stupid but i’m not dumb. I just let you and the other girls have your way because that’s how you need it to be. Pretty soon we're all gonna graduate, and I can start over. But it’ll be harder for the people who need this place to make themselves feel special. People who use high school to build themselves up and then find out that the real world doesn’t care much about who you were in high school. - One Tree Hill -
→ Take the chance, because you never know how perfect something might come out.
→ Don't count the days, make the days count.
→ The best way to gain acceptance, is to accept yourself first.
→ Be yourself; define yourself. Because nobody in the world can tell you who that is.
→ You don't need to be told you're beautiful to be beautiful. - Tyra Banks -
→ Be a rebel. Open the other side of the popcorn bag.
→ If you wait to do everything when you're sure it's right, then you'll probably never do much of anything.
→ No smile is more beautiful than one that has struggled through the tears.
All these little sayings may go in one ear and out the other to everyone who reads. But sit there and think about each one of them. I'm sure, in some small way, at least one will relate to your life. So sit there and think about it, pick at it if you will, and remember that your life is just as precious as the next persons.
So many girls sit there and admire the wealthy, sexy actresses and singers. Or just those who are famous. Those women who need a team of makeup artists just to make them seductive. Or the most valuable dresses and jewellery to make you all believe they are worth it. Admire them for their looks or their abilities, but don't strive to look like them or be like them. Some have pretty faces, but shocking personalities. Just because you are beautiful doesn't mean you will get everything you want. Because it really does all come down to who you are on the inside. And if you are ugly on the inside, you're just as ugly on the outside.
Strive to be the best person YOU can be. As an individual. Because if everybody wanted to be someone else and succeeded, we would all look like robotic barbies. And a world like that would truely suck. Be yourself. Do things on your own terms. And never ever ever let anyone else get the best of you.
You are all amazing in your own special ways.
I have always lived by my own terms, especially this: If it rains on my parade, I'm just going to dance in it.
Take care beautiful girls! | | |
| → When there's something you want, fight for it. Don't give up- no matter how hopeless it seems, even when you've lost hope. Cause years from now you're going to look back and wish you gave it one more shot. Because the best things in life don't come easy.
→ Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself.
→ Run. Create. Push. Kick. Ask. Change. Give. Optimize. Search. See. Write. Dance. Dream. Spin. Hear. Fly. Desire. Move. Relax. Brawl. Kiss. Live.
→ Be who you are, and say what you feel. Because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. - Dr. Suess -
→ Laugh when you can, apologise when you should, and let go of what you cannot change. Kiss slowly, play hard, forgive quickly, take chances, give everything, and have no regrets. Life is too short to be anything but happy.
→ Everything will be okay in the end. And if it's not okay, it's not the end.
→ I am: Confident. True. Brave. Able. Bold. Wise. Mature. Me.
→ Live it. Love it. Kill for it. And fuck what everyone else thinks.
I had an epiphany today. My mind was on all you girls here, and Christina Aguilera's song 'Beautiful'. I have always been someone that doubts myself in every way possible, yet I still manage to give all my friends advice, I make them feel better, and I fight battles each and everyday. As I am sure most of you here do as well. I like to think of myself as a helpful person, with advice that actually does make a difference. If I am part of a support system in the real world, why can't I be a support system on xanga too? This is where people need it most. This is where people from as young as the age of 12 and 13 are on here, describing their battle with an eating disorder everyday. If I am going to change the world someday (which I believe I will, even if in some small way), I need to start somewhere that hits close to home. Here. With you girls. I can be strong for each and every one of you. I can help you with anything you have on your mind. Try me. I can be the one you go to when you feel shit and just need someone to talk to. When you feel like you can't go on, I will be there. Why? Because someone did the same for me, half way across the world. It changed my life. I can change yours too.
Tell me I can't. I'll show you I can.
If any of you need any advice, or just someone to talk to, you can email me at he.loves.me_xo@hotmail.com.
I will try my hardest to reply as soon as you email me.
We are all beautiful. And we are all strong. Some of us just need guidance and support.
We all need to feel special.
We all are special. | | |
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Hi, I'm Harley Quinn. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
